Hi Dr. Alex! I’ve been forwarded many of your emails from a friend and I enjoy reading them. Now I have my own questions…
Here goes nothing! So, I’ve been dating this guy for a little over a year now. He works in the same building as I do that’s how we met. He’s 15 years older than me…I thought dating an older guy was better because they’re mature and know what they want.
Anyway, at the beginning of our relationship he was really great! He knew what he wanted and I loved that. He was very caring and just on top of it. Now, I feel like he’s gotten comfortable. He’s a self-centered person. I concern now because I came from a relationship where the guy cheated on me. We were together for 4 years and ended up getting married and now divorced.
I’m scared this will happen to me again…this new guy has been very sneaky from… More »
I want to share a quick story with you about something that happened at Trader Joe’s grocery store yesterday.
Lately, I’ve been teaching a monthlong mentoring program for the men entitled The Metamorphosis Program.
We keep a certain amount of material in the course secret for two reasons: it works better when it comes at you as a surprise; and mystery makes the course look cool.
Kidding aside, I do want to share with you one thing that I teach in the course. Namely, the answer to the question, “Who are you really?”
One of the three answers I suggest is “You are a conduit for the abundance of the universe.”
If you’re sufficiently confused by that answer to be thinking, “Umm, English please, doc,” then you’re on the right track.
Allow me to illustrate by continuing the story. If you’ve ever been to Trader Joe’s here in the US, one of their nifty features is that they always have a ‘freebie corner’ where they’re giving away free samples.
Most of the time it’s something that I don’t eat, but on this particular afternoon, they had samples of a chicken tikka masala. And it smelled gooood.
So I stood in line, and right behind me was a mother with her toddler sitting right in the shopping cart. The kid was getting a little antsy about the food, and mom was doing her best to calm him down.
My turn came, and the Trader Joe’s lady handed me my small plate with the free sample. And, seeing how I was not in a hurry, I handed it to the mom: “Here you go.”
The mom totally lit up with a heartfelt ‘thank you’ that I felt in my bones, all out of proportion to the gesture . A few seconds later I had my plate (delicious, by the way) and we were both on our merry shopping way again.
Now it’s not like I donated a zillion bucks to cure malaria here and Pope Benedict is going to fast-track my application to sainthood (which would actually require that I die first, so really – no thanks). I just passed on a free sample to someone who was behind me in line, who would have gotten it anyway in about 30 seconds.
But the reaction I got was all out of proportion to the deed – and it made *my* day. And perhaps made her feel good, too.
Now this story is a perfect demonstration of your being a conduit for the abundance of the universe. Let me explain.
The chicken sample was not really mine. It was a free sample to begin with. So I never really owned it.
By giving it away, I wasn’t losing anything, because I knew there was more of that where it came from.
And, lo and behold, when I gave it away, more did come my way, with interest: the mom & kid’s gratitude, and the little warming of my heart.
Well, guess what, boys and girls: that’s true of any kind of possession and giving in life.
You think you own stuff? Think again. You’re born naked and you leave the same way. Can’t take it with you, chief. And if the economic crisis of the past year has taught us anything, it’s “easy come, easy go.”
You can’t own stuff. But stuff can definitely own you.
Even if you had paid for the chicken, what makes it ‘yours’?
So the next time you’re thinking ‘my car’, ‘my house’, ‘my boyfriend’, ‘my girlfriend’, as if somehow there’s a stamp of ownership burning your name on that thing, you may wish to reconsider.
Because when abundance comes your way, you know that it’s just like that free sample – the bounty of the universe presenting itself to you through sheer luck.
Just as it would be silly to get too possessive of that morsel of free food once it lands in your hand – “this is my chicken now” – it would be equally silly to get hung up on any of your so-called possessions.
There is no fortune made on this earth, not one, that didn’t have to do with crazy, insane luck. So there’s no point in getting too attached or proud about what came to you through near-miraculous accident.
By realizing that you are a perpetual conduit for this abundance — a pipeline for the bounty of the universe — you keep yourself from gumming up the works and getting in the way of your own access to abundance.
Because the abundance is infinite! There’s far more stuff than you could consume in 10,000 lifetimes.
We’re not saying that you should make like Diogenes and give away all your earthly possessions and wear a barrel. And by all means, protect your garden fruit from the varmints.
Just don’t get *hung up* on stuff so much that its loss can make you unhappier than its presence can make you happy.
I always find it funny when people on the road (including myself) won’t let somebody in who’s trying to merge.
What, like we’re going to run out of road or something? Or you might get somewhere 4.3 seconds sooner?
There’s plenty of road to go around.
Now some of you who are reading this may be in tough spots right now.
And what I would say to you is act as if you really are a conduit for abundance. Don’t let this temporary state get in the way of your generosity, your open-heartedness, your openmindedness.
Get the wheel of giving turning, in whatever small way you can, and the wheel will inevitably come back to you. As my pastor likes to say, you can only have what you give away.
So start giving away more of that which you’d like to have! (’Cause if you’re giving something away, it must mean you have lots of it, right? Twisted logic, but kinda true.)
And those of you who are not experiencing privation but are still feeling constricted – let’s get you re-started here.
Start by smiling at passersby. Then work up from there.
One of the most eloquent passages on giving comes from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet:
“Then said a rich man, ‘Speak to us of Giving.’
And he answered:
‘You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?
And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full the thirst that is unquenchable?
There are those who give little of the much which they have – and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy,
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes he smiles upon the earth.’”
And that’s everyday grace, my friends. Resolve to give of yourself daily and practice being what you really are – a conduit for abundance. The rest will take care of itself.
The power is within you
Dr Alex
PS: Want to practice some giving right now that ain’t gonna cost you anything? Forward this message to someone whom you think would benefit from it.
Whenever someone writes a book, people ask, “How did you come up with the idea? How long did it take you? Do you really use a manual 1973 Smith-Corona typewriter to do your manuscript? And type it with your feet?”
But when a guy writes a dating book for women, the questions are more like, “What possessed you to do that? And what on earth qualifies you, a mere dude, to write for women anyway?” Yeah, yeah, yeah. This video addresses those questions.
If you like it, please share it with friends (via Facebook, Twitter etc) and be sure to rate and comment on it! Feel free to embed it on your own site, and if you’d like to get advance notification of the videos before everyone else, click on the ‘Subscribe’ button on the YouTube channel.
Here’s the audio recording of the preview teleseminar for the new Metamorphosis Program for men starting Monday 19 October. It’s a crazy amount of information, including how to design your own 30-day program for dating breakthrough and the exact steps to training yourself to become a multiorgasmic man. Download by right-clicking here: awesome seminar on dating for men. It will only be up for a little while, so check it out now.
Many of you wrote in after video blog #6 asking, “How am I supposed to love my enemies? I mean, they’re my enemies! This makes no sense!”
Hey, I hear ya. So here’s a little explanation of that concept as I understand it. Make sure to rate the video and comment so I know you’re listening, and if you like it, share it with friends via Facebook and spread the good word:
Here’s a little video I made for you to make the case for becoming a multiorgasmic man, including the first basic steps of your training. Check it out, and show signs of life by rating it and commenting on it. And if you like it, share with friends by tweeting it out and posting it to your Facebook profile – thanks for spreading the word!
Remember that multiorgasmic training is a part of the Metamorphosis Program, the monthlong training to take your love life from where it is to where you want it to be. Free preview teleseminar is this Thursday, 15 Oct at 5.30pm PDT/8.30pm EDT/1.30am London/11.30am Sydney, and the program starts Monday, 19 Oct – sign up for that here. Click here for more info on the Metamorphosis Program.
But what if that just doesn’t suit someone? What if there’s a woman out there who frankly wants to be resistible? Well, that’s what this video’s about. At the end of the video, I offer some suggestions for how to be irresistible — y’know, just in case.
I know this one’s going to arouse some controversy, so please — let me know what you think. Rate it, comment on it, share it via Facebook, and feel free to embed it on your own site if you’ve got one. Here’s the link for sharing purposes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa8i2PSB0EY
One of the most moving visits of my trip was to the great city of Warsaw. In this video, I tell you exactly what made it so moving and how it relates to your personal resurrection.
Especially if you think you’re in a slump, down in the dumps, at the end of your rope, or embroiled in some other metaphor you don’t like, I encourage you to take a lesson from Warsaw. Renewal happens in an instant, and as the saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life.
As usual, if you like the video, please show me you’re alive! Rate it, comment on it, share it with friends via Facebook and Twitter, and embed it on your own website. You never know whom you’re going to touch with exactly the message that they need to hear at that moment. Here’s the link to send it along: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnZyLjthOqM
Hey guys. Thanks a lot for your enthusiastic response to the videos. One of you even recognized me in church service the other day and said hi. This stuff gets around – who knew!
Here’s another video to stimulate some thinking and reconsideration.
I’d always wondered what it meant to ‘love your enemy’ and it never made a lot of sense. Frankly, most of the time I would have preferred that the troublemakers in my life do the polite thing and drop dead.
However, recently, it made much more sense to me, and after watching this video, it will make sense to you, too.
As usual, if you like it, please show signs of life by rating it, commenting on it, and sharing it with friends. And you have my full blessing to embed it on your own site if you have one.
Thanks for your super-enthusiastic response to the ‘Project Love’ video. Seems like it struck a resonant chord with a lot of you.
The key thing to remember is to just get back to basics sometimes.
So often we get caught up in the adult world of upholding our own supposed importance that we forget the simple ways to make a human connection — y’know, the stuff we used to do in the sandbox as kids (and I’m not talking about scurrying off with Mary Jane’s toys, you little rascal you).
The content of this here video is so simple as to almost be elementary — but mega-important! And I bet my entire chocolate stash (and it is vast) that you’re not doing it nearly enough.
Once again, you get to see me in a way-exotic locale. And just like the last video, just doing the practice will make you feel good.
As before, feel free to share it with friends the way you know how (Facebook, Twitter etc). I bet each of you knows at least one sourpuss who could benefit from this. Also you have my full blessing to embed this on your own site/blog so long as it benefits more folks.
This video from Riga, Latvia is the first in a series that I made on my trip. They’re really quick, but if you apply the principle I talk about, you can radically transform your life – I kid thee not.
The idea of projecting love may sound a bit foreign and new-agey at first, but I assure you — the results are real. And real good! So check it out, apply it, and let me know you’re alive by rating the video, commenting on it and sharing it with friends. Also feel free to embed it on your own website:
Finally, after years of telling myself “I’ll spend this summer in Europe,” I got my act together and went for a monthlong trip to Northeast Europe. Not only was it a great experience, but it also reminded me of the power of travel to heal the soul and expand the mind:
1. You increase your patience.
As Americans, we’re used to instant gratification and attentive customer service. However, the rest of the world does not necessarily share this ethos.
So when it’s 7.50am and the trainee at the only open ticket counter of the Warsaw Central Station doesn’t speak English and is taking on average 22 minutes to take care of each customer, it’s a good time to practice your meditation technique.
And when the train’s stopped in the middle of Nowhere, Lithuania, for no discernible reason, breathe in and breathe out, because getting righteously indignant won’t solve your problem but might give you an ulcer.
Remember that you’re only traveling because you’ve got time on your hands, so relax, take a look around you, and know that what you call a problem now will be a funny story later. A mind at ease is more likely to find you a solution in any case. Which brings us to…
2. You become more resourceful.
At home, you know where to get good Thai food, set a dislocated shoulder or post bail – all in English. Not so in Vilnius, Lithuania, especially when you have no phone and no car.
So instead of the soft, coddled ball of unimaginative pudge that you’ve become, you need to get creative. Get a map and figure out where you are. Learn how to count, say hi , please , thank you , do you speak English and beer in the local language (especially in Poland – damn good beer, I tell you). Find an internet terminal and search for cool things to do in town. And make sure you check the other side of the Warsaw Central Station to find the ticket counter with no line.
And, if you’re feeling really daring, make friends with the natives. They’re better resources than any guidebook and the key to turning a good trip into an epic one. And then…
3. You open your heart to strangers and get better at giving and receiving love.
When you’re abroad, you feel like a guest wherever you go and thus carry yourself with a kinder, more open comportment. Especially when you travel alone, you have no choice but to make contact with strangers – to get directions, decipher a menu or have company. Necessity becomes the mother of connection.
This allows you to break out of your urban hermit shell, reach out to other human beings and find out that not only do most of them not bite, they even welcome your gesture of friendship. Trains, tourist kiosks, and park benches are just three of the places I’ve made long-standing friends on previous trips.
Every friend you’ve ever made was a stranger the second before the first hello. So dare to say hi – and perhaps discover a new friend.
I’ve also noticed that most people have a much tougher time receiving kindness than giving it (myself no exception). On this trip, complete strangers took me on guided car tours of their towns (thrice!), treated me to dinner, cooked for me at home, and took me on picnics.
It was difficult for me to accept all this unsolicited grace. But since it was even harder to say no, all I could do was accept and offer my gratitude – and promise to pass it on
4. You lower your expectations – and end up happier.
Let’s face it: we Americans are pretty spoiled. We want attentive customer service and we want it now; we want our accommodations spotless and super-convenient; we want stores to be open every day, around the clock; and want it all in English, preferably with a Midwestern accent.
Well, as it turns out, the majority of the planet does not operate that way. There is Italian time (slow), Spanish time (slower), and Rio time (slowest). There are communication barriers, scheduling irregularities (whaddya mean the museum’s closed on Monday?), regulations and customs that will make snags inevitable.
That’s okay, since the point of travel is not to know what’s going to happen next. So develop a habit of going with the flow. I love this quote from Chapter 55 of the Tao Te Ching :
The Master’s power is like this.
He lets all things come and go
Effortlessly, without desire.
He never expects results;
Thus he is never disappointed.
He is never disappointed;
Thus his spirit never grows old.
One of my teachers, a Tibetan Buddhist lama, told us that the cornerstones of spiritual practice are reducing fear and expectation. So feel free to think of your next vacation not just as a joyride but also as a legitimate spiritual exercise.
5. You suspend judgment, becoming more tolerant.
Last week I saw a kid at a coffee shop with metal hoops in his earlobes big enough to put a baby’s fist through, and thought, “That’s freaky.” But when I saw that on a Berlin hipster, I thought, “Local custom – cool!”
And so you can chalk up pretty much everything to local custom and suspend judgment indefinitely. This allows us to see the world as it is, not the mental construct we usually impose on it which you mistake for reality.
Perhaps people harbor their most potent prejudices when it comes to language. How dare others speak differently – and how peculiar their languages! Yet to them, it’s the air they breathe and just as natural a part of their world.
With the pervasiveness of American media and English as the world’s lingua franca, it’s easy to fall into an ethnocentric trap. So maybe it takes a language like Mandarin, with over 600 million native speakers and a fiendishly difficult script, or Pirahã, an Amazon language of about 400 speakers, ten sounds and no words for color or number, to snap us out of our ethnocentrism and make us appreciate the existence of other equally valid worldviews.
While ruminating over my summer travels in Northern Europe, I came up with 10 ways the trip affected me positively. Last week, I shared the first 5 ways travel can transform you. Here are the rest of them:
6. You get to feel poor and develop your compassion.
The moment you cross the border into a country with a new currency is a humbling one, because you are literally penniless. Nobody wants those bucks you’ve got in your wallet, so you’d better get hold of some euros, yuan, zlotys or kroons pronto if you want a popsicle.
Until you find a working ATM, you get to experience what it’s like to have no money at all. Perhaps then you will have more compassion for Oliver Twist, as he stared, hungry and forlorn, at all the goodies behind the London shop windows beyond his reach. Then again, if you’re in London in 2009, you’re bound to feel poor anyway, no thanks to the wimpy dollar.
7. You get to feel rich and develop a more expansive state of being.
Once you do manage to score some yuan or zloty in a place like Beijing or Warsaw, things start to look a lot sunnier since the cost of living in most parts of the world is lower than in America.
Some spectacular meals in Beijing cost me less than ten dollars, and a magnificent recital at the Warsaw Chopin Festival was a mere 6 beans. But beyond just being able to afford more stuff is the expansion of the mind that comes along with it. You feel wealthier, which in turn allows you to enter a more expansive state.
From there, more abundance is possible – and more munificence (try leaving a $10 tip in a small family-run restaurant in Costa Rica and watch what happens). With this new mindset of abundance, you’ll carry yourself differently and think differently – and perhaps dare to achieve greater things.
8. You wake up to your senses.
I was in Berlin and stumbled upon a corner mom-and-pop produce store owned by a Turkish couple. I bought a box of cherry tomatoes and bit into one on the way home, and – heilige Kuhe! (that’s German for ‘holy cow’) It was like a bomb of flavor exploding in my mouth, dizzying in its intensity. Who knew that tomatoes could bite back?
Your brain is supremely skilled at filtering out the familiar and telling you only about what matters – namely, change. Travel bypasses that filter and awakens your senses by confronting you with the unfamiliar. The mind then demands an explanation to the question, “What the hell is this?” That’s when you start to see, hear, feel, smell and taste afresh.
Now you have to stop and really take in the baby-blue Art Deco building in Riga. You have to listen to the folk singers in Warsaw Old Town Square and taste the cepelinai (zeppelin dumplings) in Vilnius. You have to feel the lumpy cobblestone under your sandals in Tallinn and smell the damp, salty breeze coming in from the Baltic.
In short, you get to meet the world again, as if a child: “Hello, world. It’s me. Sorry I’ve been tuning you out for the past couple of decades. I promise to pay more attention from now on.”
9. You get to stop compulsive behaviors.
I check email – a lot. But on my deathbed, I don’t want to think, “I spent a solid 20 years of my life tapping the ‘Get Mail’ button like a narcotized rat – sweet.” So it was a pleasant side-benefit that, during most of my trip, I simply had no way of getting online (except on the super-swanky wi-fi equipped Estonian bus lines ). By the time of my return, I was detoxed pretty well from email and phased it out to checking it just once or twice a day.
The same can go for smoking (who wants to pay $10 a pack in London?), eating sweets, nailbiting, or booty-calling ex-boyfriends. You just can’t do those things for a while, so your neurology gets time to let go, tune down, and get you back to normal. By the time you get back home, you may even realize that you have the option to kick the habit for good.
10. You relinquish your so-called identity.
The elements of self are tethered to people, places and things: you live in the Uppity Northmiddle Side; you hang out with your college friends from Name Brand U; you Chase Bank (no need to make that one up); you’re Senior VP of Very Important Stuff; you drive a Prestigemobile.
But when you travel, you leave the neighborhood, friends, job, titles and possessions that you thought defined you. And what’s left without them? Someone freer and far more interesting, usually. After introducing yourself as just plain George a few times (especially if your name isn’t George), you may start to appreciate the freedom of relinquishing the burden of persona.
This is the Buddhist principle of anatta , or no-self, made manifest. You let go of the trappings and get down to who you really are, which is the witness. The witness feels but is not the feeling; she sees but is not the scene. As a result, she is lighthearted and free to see the world as it is without getting too caught up in it.
Some say this is the ultimate purpose of travel – and perhaps the essence of successful living. In the last stanza of Four Quartets , T.S. Eliot writes:
“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”
So you come back home and start to see it again – not as the world, but in the proper context of a much greater World. Instead of being a tiny atom looking from the inside out, you are the more expansive version of you, looking from the outside in. And with the Traveler in your mind and heart, the whole world is now your home.
Recently I’ve been noticing a spate of breakups amongst my female friends.
Just last week I was having dinner with Katie on her birthday. She was coming off a 6-year relationship with her boyfriend Dustin. Katie’s 30; he was 41.
You could tell that the breakup was still stinging three months after the fact. Frankly, I didn’t see why: if a guy’s 41 and still doesn’t marry you after 6 years, he’s clearly the wrong guy for the job – fire him so you can make room for the right one.
But this argument did not wash with Katie. She still wanted him, because she loooooved him.
Oh really.
Well, I was never really convinced about this Dustin guy anyway. Y’know why? Because Katie’s a pretty social person. She goes to events and parties all the time – in fact, I met her at a party about a year and a half ago
And you know what? Not once did I see him accompanying her to any of these functions. I’ve never met Dustin! To me, he may as well have been a fictional character in a Jane Austen novel. “Ohh Mr Dustin – how he makes me swoon!”
Yeah, but where the hell is he if not by your side?
And by her side is exactly where he should have been, because Katie’s kind of a babe – tall, sweet and with a smile that melts icebergs. Only a fool would let a woman like that roam alone.
But I digress. The point is that I needed to impress upon Katie that this breakup was a Good Thing.
So I asked her, “Well, Katie, on a scale of 1-10, how often did he give you backrubs and how good were they?”
She thought about it for a sec, and said ‘4′. He didn’t really do much of that at all. My guess is that the 4 was pretty generous.
“And how often did he cook for you?” That got a 3.
“And how good was the sex – quality and frequency?” To his credit, that was an 8.
“And how often did he say ‘I love you’ or genuinely appreciate you?” That was a 5.
“So what you’re telling me, Katie, is that out of a possible 40 points this guy scores a measly 20 – and you still want him because…?”
That got her thinking.
And thus was born the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, aka the Dude-O-Meter.
I just get sick and tired of that – and it’s still happening all around me. Heck, it could even be you that it’s happening to.
So here are some signs that you’re in a relationship with a dud:
1. You often find yourself making excuses for his behavior, either to others or to yourself:
“Oh, but he’s really busy at work.”
“Oh, he’s just like that.”
“Boys will be boys.”
You know what I’m talking about? You definitely know what I’m talking about.
2. You are doing most of the calling, initiating of contact and making of plans. As in all of it. He’ll do stuff with you if you prompt him, but otherwise it’s on you.
Love is action — especially for a guy. What kind of action is he taking to seek you out and demonstrate that he values you?
3. He’s not with you when you’re out at various social events, and many of your friends haven’t met him.
4. Most (or all of your friends) quietly or vociferously disapprove of him, and you’re often saying things like, “But you don’t know him like I know him.”
Yeah, if they did, they’d all be running for the hills. Your friends care for you and see things more clearly than you do, so listen to them.
5. He has said something mean-spirited and nasty to you at any point in time.
You may think that this is okay if it’s happened rarely. But you have to understand that in good relationships, this never happens. Not once in 5 decades. That’s the standard you should be comparing to.
6. He has ever raised his voice with you.
Again, there’s no place for this in a trusting, loving, supportive relationship.
7. He has ever hit you.
I’d like to make it clear that if items 5-7 have happened EVEN ONCE – and I really do mean even just once – you have a duty to yourself, to your friends, to your family and to the world to get out of this relationship, like, now. Immediately. Pronto. No delay, no time to deliberate about it. This is an emergency. If you’re having a hard time doing it, get some help.
Items 1-4 are pretty clear warning signs that you are wasting your life on this guy.
The problem isn’t that the guy you’re with is necessarily an ogre but that there’s so much left to be desired. It’s like you’ve been eating at Subway every day and thinking, “Well, this is alright – what do I have to complain about?”
Darlin’- the problem is that alright is simply not good enough (cue Sarah MacLachlan song). I want you to go for amazing. For the kind of guy who sees the goddess in you every day and is a catalyst for your becoming the best version of yourself.
(Of course, ideally, you’re doing the same for him – right? You lead with love and offer it first. We’re assuming that you’ve read my book and gotten your own house in order first, offering amazingness so you can receive amazingness :)
So the point is this:
Since most women are ‘nice’, they’re not very assertive when it comes to asking for what they want, even when they’re not fulfilled. So they’ll stay in a relationship as long as there’s not something grossly wrong with it.
They also have a scarcity mindset, thinking, “I know he’s a lout and a dud, but if I let him go, then I’m all alone – aiiieeeeeee…” Well, call me crazy, but I just like to think that among the 3.2 billion (BILLION!) dudes out there, you can do one better. And if you’re better off alone, that’s what you should be instead of being with him.
Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to shake her up and realize they’re wasting their time (which is the stuff life is made of, incidentally). Sometimes it takes a caring friend determined to wake her up. Sometimes it takes a random guy reaching out of the ether of the internet with a wake-up call in the shape of an email.
If this article resonates with you, I wish you courage in taking decisive action.
And just for kicks, why don’t you apply the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test to your current squeeze and see how he does.
Oh, and if you have a friend with a questionable boyfriend, you definitely want to do it for her. It may not be entirely scientific, but there’s a more than a grain of truth in it.
I mean, if he’s getting a low score, why isn’t he cooking for you and giving you backrubs? Why is he miserable in the sack? Whether it’s because you’re not doing your homework either or that he’s not that kind of dude, there’s a lesson worth learning here.
So here are the 4 questions of the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, scored on a scale of 0-10, ten being the highest rating:
1. How often does he give you backrubs? Rate on frequency and quality.
Backrub is a general idea. The idea is that he likes to serve you and make you feel great.
2. How often does he cook for you? Rate on frequency and quality.
If he’s really not the cooking type (which is most guys), taking you out to dinner is an acceptable substitute – he can get a max score of 7 on that.
3. How satisfied are you with the sex?
4. How often does he tell you he loves you or otherwise lavish you with praise?
Until we have more scientific guidelines, here’s what I suggest:
Score of 34-40: A keeper! Good job. Now make him feel like the man he’s always wanted to be, and he’ll never leave you.
Score of 29-33: Ok, so this guy has potential but needs some brushing up. Maybe he’s gotten too caught up in work, or maybe he just needs some encouragement from you. Give him some hints and see if he rises to the occasion.
Score of 25-28: This is borderline. Neglect has already become a habit here, and unless he really steps up and starts making you a priority in his life, not an option, you need to dump his ass in about a week.
Score less than 25:Dump him. This is not a decision that needs to be delayed or regretted. Why? Because you deserve better, that’s why. It’s not about him – it’s about you. And my job is to make sure you’re happy and fulfilled.
Now that you’ve read that, I have a favor to ask you: were you in a bad situation at some point, and if you were, how did you get out of it? I’ve found that these case studies are tremendously useful for others to read, so please share. Either send them via email, or post them as a comment on the blog.
Greetings from Berlin, one of the greenest cities I’ve ever visited. My balcony overlooks the tree-filled back yard, and there’s intermittent sunshine coming in through a cloud-dappled sky.
Here’s a letter from one of my readers Susan F. about the article ‘7 Things You Should Always Do On A Date’ (which you can read about here if you don’t know what I’m talking about.
“Hope you had or are having a great time in London. Grateful for the 7 Shoulds below, but I must say these are “it goes without saying” in my dating life.
In your writing, have you touched on WHEN you are doing the basics below, keeping open, complimentary, attentive, etc. – why a man selects not to pursue a woman?”
I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “your amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching. Just dated a man who hit all of the highlights of what I like in a man except one – available regularly.
The last man I dated and really liked chose to leave our short-term relationship to date a girl for a few months, whereby he ended up coming back to me and share how it was so bad. That he was ‘violated’ (his words) and fighting constantly with this person.
Yet, he still finds it hard to commit to me – initially, he commented ‘I was initimidated by you’ by just being me and then now commenting how he missed my calmness, that I’m not full of anger like others, I’m an angel, beautiful…so on.
What’s the question? Well, why would a successful man who has dated both good and bad women decide not to pursue a good woman like myself? Scared? If so, scared of what? Full of lies? A bad boy in good guy (sheep’s) clothing?
Well, if you have the time I truly appreciate your insight and response.
Thank you,
Susan F., 35, Los Angeles
Thanks for a great letter, Susan. It reminds me of the three most popular questions I get from women:
1) How do I get him?
2) How do I get him back?
3) What’s he thinking?
This is clearly a #3 question. And the answer to that question is usually “It doesn’t matter what he’s thinking.”
This is the whole point of being fulfillment-centered. Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.
This is one of the key points of The Tao of Dating for Women, which is available for your delectation right now. In fact, I tackle this whole thing in the first three pages of Chapter 1, which happens to be entitled ‘Dating for Fulfillment.’
So if some guy is not sticking around and is causing you grief because of his contradictory behavior, then clearly he’s not being a catalyst for your fulfillment. Time to let that one go, as promising as the resume may have looked.
All you can do is to is be the best possible version of yourself. As Krishna said to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not the fruits of your labors.
In the meantime, I’m hoping that the process of working on being goddess-like is its own reward. I’m guessing it feels good to be the embodiment of grace, joy, sensuality, and compassion.
Which brings us to the question: are you really doing the best you can? Are you absolutely embodying the goddess? Or is there perhaps room for improvement?
In particular, these lines from Susan give me pause:
“I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “you’re amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching.”
Now I wasn’t there, so I don’t really know what transpired or what these guys actually said. But it strikes me that they’re saying stuff about her that aren’t related to how she makes them feel.
Think about it: ever heard a guy swoon about a woman and say something like: “Damn, she’s so tidy, I just want to be with her all the time.”
Or: “She’s so career-minded it makes me hot.”
Or: “Her determination just makes me want to eat her up.”
Umm, no. Not that strength and having your stuff together are bad things. Au contraire, ma chere – they’re very good things.
They’re just not necessarily the kind of thing that men find attractive – things that make them feel good around you.
Did you touch him with that soft feminine touch of yours on the date?
Did you look straight into his eyes with the look of “you’re the greatest man in the world” when he was talking about his hobbies, then squeeze his elbow when he was really excited?
Did you ask about all his interests and passions, then listen with full attention without interrupting him when he rambled on?
Did you rub his arm, hand or back? Did you have an amazing makeout session? Did you rock his world in the sack?
The point is this: There’s always room for improvement.
Now if you’re making him feel like a million bucks and he still walks off for someone who treats him poorly, is that your problem? Nosirreebob it’s not. You’re only responsible for your stupidity, not that of others.
In the meantime, you can still work on being truly irresistible. Then when Mr Right comes along who can appreciate you for the fine-feathered creature that you are, you’re ready.
So, in summary: let your fulfillment be your guide. Suspend judgment indefinitely. And work on yourself in a way that the process is its own reward.
Yesterday I came across this fantastic article on happiness by Joshua Wolf Shenk (a college classmate of mine, coincidentally) in The Atlantic Monthly on the Grant Study, the longest longitudinal study of happiness ever conducted. Its findings are revelatory, beautiful, sobering, instructive, encouraging and altogether amazing. As it turns out, some of the participants in the study ended up becoming pretty prominent: two US senators, the journalist Ben Bradlee, and a certain future President of the United States, John F. Kennedy.
The study was conducted on men only, and Harvard men at that, so it doesn’t exactly start out with normal. But the conclusions are powerful, and a comparison group of youth who were also followed provides a control which shows, for example, that long-term health has less to do with affluence and education and a lot to do with how much you drink and smoke (surprise). In any case, I urge you to print out the article for yourself and for all your kids. It’s rare that one piece captures the full sweep of human life like this.
Here are some excerpts:
“Is there a formula—some mix of love, work, and psychological adaptation—for a good life? For 72 years, researchers at Harvard have been More »
When the going gets tough, the tough get meditating.
A few weekends ago I had the privilege of attending The Soul of Success seminar with Marianne Williamson and Deepak Chopra in Los Angeles.
In these times of economic uncertainty, Marianne and Deepak had decided to transmit a message of spiritual and economic empowerment to their audience.
As a vivid demonstration of their commitment to helping their students, they offered scholarships to those who requested it. Several attendees had taken up the offer from places as far-flung as Florida and Tennessee.
Marianne has always believed in accommodating those seeking her teachings regardless of their finances, and she certainly practiced what she preached in this workshop.
I only had a vague idea of what the workshop would entail, but having had both Deepak and Marianne as teachers for many years, I implicitly trusted their message and method.
Marianne began with a powerful prayer and a 90min lecture exhorting us to More »
On Wednesday 15 July 2009, we finally had the much-anticipated reading at the world-infamous LA independent bookstore Book Soup. It was a full house, and the spirited audience had some fine questions ready for me. They also took care of the case of prosecco in very short order — impressive.
Here’s a video of the first 40min of the reading. This is when I lay out the 5 principles of The Tao of Dating (for both men and women). It starts with a supremely complimentary intro by my friend and colleague Evan Marc Katz, author of an outstanding dating blog and the best dating coach I know for women. Then I get on my soapbox. I even get a few laughs — thank god for wine.
I’ll have the full audio of the event ready soon for download — make sure you’re on my mailing list to get that. In the meantime, check out the video, courtesy of Marc Strassman of etopianews.com:
I get many letters like this from readers (both male and female):
“I met this guy, and he took me to dinner, and it was really romantic, but he did/didn’t try to kiss me, then he called/didn’t call back, then he asked/didn’t ask me out again, and what does it all mean is he interested what should I do help help help.”
Now, many of you think I have magical powers. And it’s absolutely true. For example, I can make whole plates of pasta vanish in seconds and order beer in 12 languages.
However, reading the minds of your dates whom I have never seen nor met is not one of those powers. I missed that boat of psychic ability.
Additionally, trying to parse each individual situation for an ultimate answer doesn’t work so well, because there are millions of situations and often no ultimate answer.
However, just a few reliable principles can solve a whole bunch of problems. I’ve found the following five principles pretty handy. They form the backbone of the Tao of Dating book for women and men, and here they are: More »
This post has almost nothing to do with dating. So feel free to skip this message entirely if that’s what you’re looking for.
However, it has everything to do with being a compassionate, aware human being. Which is the real purpose of these articles, as some of you may have gathered by now.
Right now, on the opposite side of the planet from where I am, millions of Iranians young and old are flooding the streets in protest. Why? Because they stood in line for hours to vote for what they believed in, and someone decided that their votes didn’t matter.
The regime shamelessly shut down text messaging, websites and all reporting, just so it could have its way.
Iran is the world’s youngest country. Over 60% of its population is under 30. And frankly, they’re tired of old fogies in funny turbans telling them how to live their lives.
Our country here, the US, ain’t perfect – the occasional voting irregularity has happened and will happen again. But our model of peaceful transition of power and freedom of expression is still pretty darn good.
So today, on my gratitude log, one of the five items I put down for which I was grateful was “open means of communication.” It’s quite a privilege, if you think about it.
Amongst hundreds of privileges we don’t think about every day that the average Iranian kid doesn’t have. Like throwing a party with your friends without getting harassed. Walking down the street in the dead of summer in short sleeves. Or shorts. Having a beer. Having your hair uncovered if you’re a girl. Surfing the web – all of it. Writing a blog without getting tossed in jail. Dozens of other little things.
So on this day, June 16, which also happens to be my birthday, give yourselves a little gift. Say a prayer for the youth of Iran in their moment of crisis – for all the unarmed kids who got beat up and shot at just for wanting to be heard. Pray for their protection, safety and resolve.
And if you want to make gratitude a daily practice, join the Gratitude Experiment at www.taoofdating.com/gratitude. It’s a 30-day, totally free program which basically sends you automated email reminders every day to jot down a few things you’re grateful for.
The idea is that, after doing it for 30 days, it just might become a habit that sticks. Hundreds of you have already joined the experiment. It takes 2-3min a day, and it makes a BIG difference. Trust me on that one.
Anyway, that’s all for now. You’ll forgive me if I’m not in the mood right to write lighthearted fluffy stuff on why he didn’t call you back or how to get her to come on a second date, but I promise it’ll be back soon :)
In the meantime, check out this lucid 2min video on what’s going on over there in Iran. It’s good.
While we’re on the topic of masculinity, here’s a video from my ‘Transformation Weekend’ seminar I did some time back. Thanks for all of your positive feedback on it so far — we’re working on making an audio product of the seminar ready. In the meantime, enjoy the video, and feel free to rate it and comment on it:
Finally, I’m joining the 21st century and using this whole newfangled video thing. Thrilling!
This is a topic that is best illustrated visually, since that’s how those pernicious little beasties called fashion magazines inflict their damage. I rant about this in The Tao of Dating for Women fairly extensively — the entire beginning of Chapter 6 on ‘How to Keep a Healthy Diet’, pp 113-123, is about this.
But one good rant deserves another, so here it is:
Angie writes from Australia regarding the “On Bad Boys and How to Spot Them” article she received via email:
I thought this was excellent and could put a huge TICK on each…but what worries me, is:
Am i attracted to these bad boys because there is a part of them inside me too? Does that mean i have some issues i have to look at? Is this bad boy just a mirror of what is going on in my life too? What do you think? Have you got any feedback from other ‘bad boy’ daters?
I’d like to know,
Enjoy your information always, Angie
Brisbane Qld Australia
Thanks for the letter, Angie. Here’s the deal: bad boys simply trigger ancient mechanisms that exist in every woman. In that way, there’s nothing wrong with you if you find yourself responding to them, in the same way that nothing’s wrong with you when you respond to chocolate or ice cream. We’re just built that way.
That said, you have the choice to recognize this and stay away from them. You may not be able to control your reaction to them, but you can certainly control your actions. You can see the ice cream store and walk past it. You can choose not to stock your fridge with ice cream. You have choice.
Also, 2-3 days of the month, right around when you’re ovulating, you’re going to be super-susceptible to the charm of more masculine, roguish men. That’s 10% of your life, and plenty of time in which to screw everything up really good. Probably a good time to stay away from bad boys.
Last night, I was at a business networking mixer here in Los Angeles. As the event winded down, I was talking to these two lovely young ladies — let’s call them Ashley and Sarah — who seemed really preoccupied about a message Ashley was composing on her Blackberry.
They kept on going back and forth, with Sarah editing Ashley — “No, say it this way” — and then Ashley re-editing the edit.
Eagle-eyed professional that I am, I thought, gee, could this possibly be about a boy? They apologized for ignoring me and sheepishly admitted, yes, it was about a boy — specifically, the one Ashley was dating. Sorta.
So why was it so hard to compose this message? “Because he’s being a douche-bag,” Ashley said, rolling her eyes. I sensed that ‘douche-bag’ was a term of art, so as a scientist I had to figure out exactly what rendered this fellow a douche-bag.
As it turns out, the boy — ‘DB’ henceforth — was being unclear in his intentions. He said he cared for her but his career came first. When asked point blank whether he cared for her, he’d offer evasive, non-committal answers like “Well, I’ve been with you 8 months now, haven’t I?”
To this, I told Ashley that I’ve heard a guy say “You are amazing and wonderful; it’s a privilege to be with you and I absolutely adore you” before, and it sounded different from “Gee, well I haven’t run away yet.”
We talked for a while, and the summary of it was that Ashley was clearly unfulfilled in the relationship. Yet she kept on making excuses for DB.
Why? She gave two reasons. First: “It sucks to be single — this way at least I’ve got somebody.” And second: “I just feel great around him when he is around.”
Hmmmm.
Let’s parse the first statement for a moment. Somehow Ashley’s thinking that mediocre treatment from a guy is better than no treatment at all.
This is a very, very dangerous assumption. Because it leads you straight down what I call the ladder of compromise. In the study of organizational behavior, it’s called normalization of deviance.
It goes something like this: a guy does something which you don’t like all that much — maybe shows up late. You don’t say anything. So he keeps on showing up late. Pretty soon, you’re regularly waiting a whole hour for him to show up.
Or say a guy puts you down a little and you don’t complain, because he’s so great in all these other departments. Your unconscious is always working to avoid cognitive dissonance, so on some deep level it accepts that this is the level of treatment you deserve.
Now your self-esteem is in the toilet, so you think the next guy who comes along who treats you well is crazy and instead glom on to guys who serially treat you like dirt.
What you’ve done is that, little by little, you’ve allowed poor treatment to be okay. You’ve normalized the deviance.
Ladies (and gentlemen, too) — this is a very pernicious thing. Once you allow the foot in the door for a little mistreatment, you’re effectively allowing a lot more of it to happen down the road. Heck, psychologists even have a name for it — the ‘foot in the door technique.’
That’s why you have to practice zero-tolerance when it comes to matters of fulfillment and being treated well.
This is how my smart, beautiful friend Holly (featured in the introduction to The Tao of Dating for Women) ended with a deadbeat who physically abused her. For 1.5 years.
This is how another very smart, absolutely gorgeous woman ended up with a husband who beat her up routinely — for 12 years. And is still with him.
Repeat after me: “I will only spend time with people who treat me exceptionally well and make me feel like the queen of the universe.”
Why? Because you have a duty to the world to be the best possible version of you — so you can shine your light as far and wide as possible. I’m telling you — the world needs you now more than ever. So when you let a guy get away with doing something — anything — to diminish that light, you’re shirking your duty to the world.
So henceforth, I want you to practice ruthless compassion for yourself. Sure, the guy’s cute, and you feel great when he’s around. But if he’s putting you down instead of lifting you up, it’s time for him to go. Like, now.
Granted, because of the brew of chemicals in your head and the unconscious compromises you’ve already made, this is a tough thing to do.
You also have to admit that you’ve been wrong — totally, completely wrong. Your ego hates that. Get over it, girl — don’t let your ego ruin your life.
Also, notice Ashley’s second reason: “I just feel so good when he is around.” I’m paraphrasing a bit here, but the way she described it to me was exactly the way a junkie describes a hit of crack or heroin. Basically, a drug.
There was no description of mutual enrichment, support, deepening of the spirit. Just a jolt of good feeling, which is the essence of what drugs do — empty euphoria.
Well, guess what ladies — neurophysiologically, guys operate in the exact same way that drugs do. So he’s not just like a drug — he is a drug. And just as bad for you.
And we all know how tough it is to get off drugs.
In the interest of making this article eminently practical, this is how you rid your life of the drug of Toxic Dude (or Dudette):
1) Detox.
This means you stay away from him for at least one week — two’s even better. Going on a trip and having no contact with him is one of the more effective ways. Technically, it allows your brain to downregulate receptors and adapt to normal chemistry. Practically, it gets him off your mind.
2) Get help.
Like Odysseus, canvass your compadres to keep you away from toxic dude, since you know you’re too weak to do it yourself (see my post on the Odysseus Protocol). Listen to them — they often know what’s good for you better than you do.
3) Do better.
Hang out with people who do elevate you and make you feel wonderful, and notice the contrast. Heck, maybe even go on a date with a nice guy for a change. It gets a lot harder to go back to instant ramen noodles once you’ve had gourmet pasta.
The other thing that the girls were doing which I found interesting was trying to figure out why DB behaved the way he did. They spent a lot of time and energy guessing what this meant and that could mean.
And you know what? It doesn’t matter. At all.
There’s an old Buddhist parable about a man being shot in the leg with an arrow. Instead of taking care of the arrow stuck in his leg, he asks, “Who shot the arrow? Which tribe was he from? Who’s his father? What kind of bow was it?”
Umm, dude, newsflash: there’s an arrow in your leg. Why don’t we take care of that first.
Similarly, the only thing that matters is how well you’re being treated — whether you’re feeling fulfilled or not. That is your internal compass, and the only criterion that matters. Don’t worry where the arrow came from.
You have to realize that no man is a complete ogre, so sure — he’s going to have some redeeming qualities. And yeah, you’re not totally nuts, so you hang out with him because it does feel good on some level.
But I urge you to set your standards high, ladies (and guys). And once you’ve set them, do not tolerate any subpar treatment. I’m telling you that you deserve the best because it’s absolutely true. All you have to do is convince yourself that it’s true and live accordingly.
Last Sunday was Mother’s Day, which reminded me of the Ten Commandments.
That’s because there’s only one measly commandment telling you what to do: ‘honor thy father and thy mother.’ The remaining nine are a relentless barrage of ‘thou shalt nots’, telling you what not to do.
So if you were to follow them to the letter, then every day is Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day), since all you can do is sit in a corner calling mom and telling her how great her tuna casserole is. Unless it’s Saturday, in which case you probably aren’t allowed to do that either. And don’t even think of casually saying hi to a graven image, or worse, coveting your neighbor’s oxen.
So for somebody living in 2009, that Decalogue ain’t all that useful.
At the same time, perhaps there is another realm in which a barrage of negative directives would be useful. Some area in which people are hopelessly, repeatedly, incorrigibly screwing up their own chances.
Ah yes — that would be dating.
I’ve been on the receiving end of enough stories from men and women to notice some consistent patterns of self-sabotage in the mating dance. The good news is that once you know about them, these behaviors are entirely avoidable. Call them the Dating Decalogue, the Ten Commandments of Modern Mating or just common sense — here they are:
1) Thou shalt not flake.
If you like your date at all, it’s crucial that you show up — especially to your first appointment. Besides being tremendously deflating to your date when you cancel, there’s an even deeper reason that has nothing to do with your date and everything to do with you.
Psychologists have found that humans have a perverse tendency to align their thoughts with their actions to avoid cognitive dissonance.
So when you cancel a date or stand someone up even accidentally, something in the back of your head says, More »
Hi! Alex,
I have been enjoying your autoresponder updates. Thank you! I am grateful that my friend told me about you!
My question is:
When a man uses vulgar language (mainly the “f” word) around me (and we are just getting to know one another), how do I let him know that I would rather not hear that? Sure, I have heard the word a lot in life (I am 56) and even said it myself a few times (usually softly when no one’s around!), but I feel uncomfortable when a guy uses it in front of me…
Thanks and blessings! Maureen from Seattle
Well well. This is a universal issue, isn’t it. How do we ask for what we want when it can potentially offend the person we’re asking? It also comes up when giving unsolicited (but direly needed) advice: for example, how do you tell someone he or she has bad breath? Or that her boyfriend is a loser and she needs to dump him pronto?
There are a few motives here working at cross-purposes. One is genuine concern for the friend. Second (a corollary to the first) is not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings. And the third is to get some relief for yourself.
First of all, I’d like to bring to your attention that of the three motives listed above, only one really matters: your genuine concern for your friend. Number two, namely not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings, is still part of the fact that you care.
Forget about relief for yourself and instead frame it thus: “If this person continues to have raging halitosis, More »
Today I want to talk a little bit about confidence. It’s probably more a yang (masculine) quality than a yin (feminine) one. But I’ll just assume it’s of general interest and address both the men and the women.
First of all, what the heck is confidence? It’s what linguists call a nominalization – basically a noun that stands in for a bunch of verbs.
Whenever you have a nominalization, you get confusion. Because each one of us defines that nominalization in our own special way. So words like ‘confidence’, ‘courage’ and ‘understanding’ effectively have 6.5 billion definitions.
So however you define confidence, let’s agree on this much: it doesn’t exist. At least not in the traditional sense of existing.
You can’t put it in a wheelbarrow, and you can’t pinpoint its location in your brain in a PET scan. Not even those fancy, souped up fMRI scans can find it.
It’s a state of mind — some mixture of willingness and self-possession. It’s a catalyst to action but not action itself. Whatever it is, like porn, we know it when we see it.
Our discussion today is mostly about social confidence, but it’s applicable to any other kind of confidence that matters to you.
There are four kinds of confidence. The first kind I’ll call unconscious confidence.
This is a bit like ‘unconscious incompetence’, the first phase of learning, except that you’re not incompetent – you’re SUPER-competent!
This is the fearless confidence of kids. They’ll go up to any stranger and engage in conversation. They’ll say “I love you” within minutes of meeting you. They just don’t know any better than to be outrageous and outgoing and do their heart’s desire.
Gradually, through the teachings of parents and culture, they learn that it’s not okay to More »
I have a question about a guy. I think you stated I get one free consult question??I was introduced to a great guy who is the best friend of my best friend’s husband so there is a lot of history there that I knew about before I met him. This made dating him easy since I knew his awesome character! The only problem I see with this maybe not working out is that his speech is not the greatest. He is from a small town so he says things like, ” I done, I seen and them guys”. My question is: Can this be a deal breaker? …or does this really matter? Or…can I get him to learn a little correct english at age 40? I am not college educated and my english is not the greatest either, but I cringe whenever those words come out of his mouth. Otherwise, he is the greatest guy I have ever dated. Thanks for your imput!!Diana
Thanks for writing, Diana. Your story exemplifies the idea of getting in the way of your own fulfillment.
What matters is how he makes you feel — and how you make him feel. Nobody’s going to be 100% perfect, so if he’s the greatest guy ever except for this one thing that he says, that’s pretty good.
My friend and fellow advisor Evan Marc Katz says “don’t hit on 20″, which is a metaphor from the game of blackjack that’s highly applicable to this situation. Why try to improve something that’s already pretty good?
Here’s what i suggest: instead of trying to ‘fix’ him, focus on appreciating him for what he has to offer.
After you’ve done that, you can ask him if he’s interested in sounding even more intelligent. Only AFTER he’s given his consent can you offer some tips after you have his consent and cooperation.
This is what I call leading with love. To correct him just to relieve your own annoyance is not done out of love — it’s done out of egotism. But once you change your orientation to genuine concern about he feels about himself, then you have license to give him a grammar tip.
In my own practice, I first ask clients, “Are you open to feedback?” After they say yes, I ask, “Would you like me to sugarcoat my statements or to be ruthlessly compassionate?” Once they’ve chosen the hotness of the sauce, then I proceed.
Also, it’s a good idea to focus on getting your own house in order first. Perhaps it drives him nuts that you say ‘imput’ instead of ‘input’ and he’s been a perfect gentleman about it all along. And who knows what dozens of other blindspots we have about our own mannerisms that our friends are too gracious to point out.
So once again, lead with love and you can’t go wrong. Appreciate and reinforce the parts you like about him and worry less about the rest. If you are going to level some kind of criticism or complaint, remember that Prof John Gottman’s research showed that a 5-to-1 ratio keeps a relationship healthy — 5 nice comments for every one negative one.
One of the great reasons to attend seminars is that you just don’t know whom you’ll encounter there.
Last month I had the good fortune to attend Mark Victor Hansen’s Mega Book Marketing Seminar. As I was getting my network on in the lobby, someone asked me, “Aren’t you going to go see Andy Andrews speak?”
‘Um, who?,’ I thought to my jaded self, and clearly my interlocutor read my mind from the look on my face. “Oh, he’s terrific – you should definitely go check him out.”
Well, awright, fine. If Mark and this here guy think Andy’s cool enough to be on the podium, I’ll go see what he has to say – for a few minutes. Then I’ll slink right back to the lobby and continue schmoozing.
Needless to say, I did not return to the lobby before I had heard every last word Andy Andrews had to say. Not only were his words uplifting and inspirational, but Andy is one riotously funny dude More »
One question arises whenever I pronounce the distinctly un-pithy title of my book for women – ‘The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment You Deserve‘:
“What qualifies you to write this book?”
Well, nothing really. See, I actually don’t want you to just listen to me and accept everything I say – the whole point of the exercise is to figure out stuff for yourself. I present ideas for you to test. If the principles work for you, use them. If not, toss them and use something else. This is better known as the ‘be your own damn guru’ principle.
Moreover, you may have noticed that I’m a guy. I’m generally pleased with that situation, intermittent requests to die for my country notwithstanding. However, it poses handicaps when attempting to gain deep insight into the feminine psyche.
That’s why I borrow the brains of remarkable women like Marianne Williamson to aid me in the task. She wrote this great book called A Woman’s Worth that everybody should read, guys included.
I’ve also caught glimpses of the goddess and know what she looks like. The Taoist principle at work here says that you can’t see a mountain if you’re standing on it. You, the goddess, are standing upon the mountain of goddesshood. More »
If you don't think you're smart, fine. If you want to be resistible, fine. Otherwise, you need to buy the book. 'Cause it's life-changingly awesome, that's all.
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