The Tao of Dating by Dr. Ali Binazir

Aw man, I can feel a rant coming on.  Here’s one comment/letter from a reader:

Speaking of long distance! We met on FB after many years apart, and live in different states. What about if there is loving romantic communication, and you respond in kind, in addition to calls… However, when it comes to positive communication, we do not talk often enough (for me) so the postive gaps get filled in some times w/email and text and (dare I say) messages on FB (but not on the wall). We also have had a lot of fun s/exting…as our physical relationship is also long distance, and there can be an emotional component to turning each other on via text also. Bottom line, I wish it was more intimate, more calls, more often…I just told him this, and he has been more attentive since the conversation. — Deb from a Distance

And here’s another comment from my college blog Enter to Grow in Wisdom on a post about long distance relationships being a bad idea:

First of all, not everybody who’s in a long-distance relationship through college breaks up. Just because you haven’t personally seen anybody make it doesn’t mean nobody does. That’s a pretty irrational attitude to take: “I haven’t seen this happen; therefore it CANNOT happen.” I’ve met and heard of plenty of people who’ve gotten married after long-distance relationships… — Miriam from Chicago

Sometimes I feel like the climate scientist who’s trying to tell the world about the ravages of global warming and someone gets up and says, “But it was cold in Milwaukee today, so there can’t possibly be global warming.”

So let me put this as clearly as possible, once and for all:

A long-distance relationship is no relationship at all.

I can hear the howls of protest already.  How can you say that, you’re over-generalizing, you don’t know our relationship, you don’t know what you’re talking about, etc etc.

Yeah, yeah.  Heard it all.  So let’s break it down from the top.

1. Human evolution didn’t really accommodate long-distance relationships.

One way to look at who you are today is as a product of 3 million years of evolution.  All of your design features and behaviors are molded by evolution, in the same way that the Grand Canyon’s molded by wind, water and sand.  The goal of all of this is to perpetuate the species — or, in an even more reductionistic take a la Richard Dawkins, to perpetuate your genes.

Back in the days of the savannah, there was no email.  There was also no texting, sexting, Skype or phones.  Come to think of it, there was no mail service to deliver letters.  Or pens.  Or even written language.

In other words, the mere possibility of any kind of long-distance relationship has only existed for about 10,000 years at best.  And maybe for the past 100 years we’ve had reliable means of long-distance communication.  For the remaining 2.99 million years of human evolution, relationship was based on communication in proximity: the smell, sound, look, feel and touch and taste of your mate.  And even though we live in modern times, those ancient systems still rule the courtship process.

Sure, it’s nice to have a pen pal or a confidante even far away.  Or a harbor in some faraway port that would welcome your visit.  However, a real human relationship occurs at distances where your mirror neurons engage and you can establish a psychophysiological circuit with another human being.  Otherwise, you’ve just got a menu, not the food.

2. You never get to really know your partner in a long-distance relationship.

The real substance of intimacy is regular, day-to-day interaction.  That’s when you find out that he squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle, she leaves the bathroom a mess, he lets the rubbish bin overfill — and you love each other in spite of it all.  If you’re in a long-distance relationship, every time you see each other is like Christmas.  You don’t have a chance to get bored by each other or find out about your incompatible movie preferences because you’re too busy making googly eyes at each other and having hot sex.

So you never really get to know each other.  And when you do end up living in the same town (or apartment), you start finding out some interesting new facts about one another — e.g. he’s married, she’s an escort, etc.  See the excerpt below from The Tao of Dating for Women.

But of course, there’s more: you’ll spend a lot of Friday nights being lonely and frustrated and secretly blame your partner for it; you’ll be turning down a lot of offers from great guys and gals interested in you because you’re ‘taken’; and other stuff that I’ve covered mostly in the excerpt below:

Long-distance relationships: a brief, biased rant

Let’s say you meet a fantastic guy on a vacation trip.  You spend several days together, and generally have a wonderful time.  In fact, you get along so well that you decide to continue seeing each other after the trip.  There’s only one issue: he lives in Austin; you live in Los Angeles.  Should you continue seeing him or not?

Here’s my stance on long-distance relationships: more often than not, they are a setup for disappointment and heartbreak.  A long-distance relationship could work out – ‘working out’ meaning that it brings both partners tons of fulfillment over the long-term and maybe ends up in something like marriage.  However, it’s not likely that it will work out.  Now my job is to help you find long-term fulfillment – not quick fixes, not the entertainment of your whim, or any kind of longshot that’s over 90% likely to bring you more pain than joy.  And the rare long-distance relationship that does work out is the exception that proves the rule.

Here’s why.  Let’s go back to the idea of fulfillment-centered dating.  Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person. And there are many, many persons who could provide that feeling of fulfillment – just as there are several different kinds of food that could fill you without all of them having to be Cherry Garcia ice cream.

Fulfillment is having someone to catch a movie with on a Friday night, someone to dress up with to the opera and snuggle with afterwards, someone to share brunch with on a Sunday morning.  For the most part, someone who lives more than 200 miles away from you cannot provide you with those fulfillment feelings, simply due to geographical constraints.

Before we go any further, let me define what I mean by a long-distance relationship.  You are in a long-distance relationship if the physical distance or scheduling challenges between you and your partner preclude spontaneity and you can see each other less than once a week.  90 miles of distance between you will do that, as well as exceptionally busy schedules.  In fact, you may already be in a long-distance relationship with someone in your own city and not know it.

Now let’s explore what would happen if, say, you started to date seriously (whatever that means to you) a man who lives more than 200 miles away.  First, chances are you would see each other relatively infrequently – two or three times a month.  This means that every time you do see each other, it’s just like Christmas!  You are thrilled to see one another, and it’s a highlight reel of fun times.

As great as this sounds, it does not allow for the natural, everyday dynamic between you to develop – the way you would interact if, say, you were married and saw each other on a daily basis.  So even though you’re having a lot of fun, you effectively know nothing about one another in a domestic arrangement where you see each other regularly.

Second, no man is an island – they all come with their buddies and cronies, as do you.  To assess accurately whether you and a given man get along, you need to see him in his natural habitat (and vice versa).  In the perpetual first date that is most long-distance relationships, you’ll never find out that his friends annoy you to no end and frankly smell funny.  Or that his mother hates you.  These are useful things to know before getting deeply involved with anyone.

Third, an unconscious undercurrent of resentment will develop regardless of how well you get along because of the sheer effort involved in seeing each other.  Why couldn’t he be closer?  If he loves me so much, why can’t he just move here?  If you don’t ask that question yourself, your friends will, and they will also resent the fact that he’s the cause of your being away for long stretches of time.  Moreover, he will probably be having similar thoughts.

That said, there are circumstances under which a long-distance relationship could work out.  In my observation, two criteria need to be fulfilled.  First, there needs to be a definite deadline by which you have both agreed to live in the same town.  Second, you both know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will be together for the long term when you do make the move.  In other words, you’re already engaged or close to it.

If you’re in doubt and still wondering what course of action to take, err on the side of caution.  A man who loves you enough will offer to move to your city.  And when he does, if you truly love him, you will ask him to get his own apartment, since that gives the relationship the best chance of success.

Let’s examine two case studies, one in which a long-distance relationship worked and another in which it did not.  Perhaps you can spot elements in each story that contributed to the success or demise of the relationship.

Case 1: Hillary and Tom.

Hillary and Tom met through Howard, a mutual friend.  Tom was Howard’s best friend in college, and Hillary had worked with Howard for several months.  Howard knew both of them well and thought they would make a good match, both being highly educated, intelligent, level-headed individuals on successful career tracks.  Although both Tom and Hillary had many interests and were lots of fun to be around, neither was the partying type.  Both came from stable family backgrounds where the parents were married for over 30 years.  Tom was 27 and Hillary was 25 when they met.

On their first dates, Tom and Hillary hit it off.  At the time, they both lived in Boston.  After a year of dating, they were engaged to marry.  However, Tom was to leave for the Bay Area in a few months.  They decided to stay together even though Tom was moving to the opposite coast, 2600 miles away.  Hillary knew she would be done with graduate school in a year and a half, at which point she would get a job in the Bay Area.

Tom and Hillary actually got married before Tom’s departure.  And I’m thrilled to say that ten years hence, they are still happily married and just had their first child.

Case 2: Kristina and Jeff.

Kristina was a beautiful 37-year old Hungarian émigré who had lived in Los Angeles for 4 years.  She moved to Los Angeles after her divorce and decided to start over.  Being independent, driven and adventurous, she decided to start her dream business, and after two years of challenges, the business was starting to grow.

At this time, encouraged by a friend, she decided to attend an expensive 5-day motivational seminar in San Francisco to get her life on track and accelerate her success.  At the seminar, she met Jeff, a dashing, independently wealthy American who lived in San Francisco.  The seminar was emotionally and physically intense, and they spent almost all their time there together.

After the seminar, they continued seeing each other, sometimes Jeff coming down to LA, other times Kristina flying up to San Francisco.  Every time, Jeff would suggest that Kristina leave LA behind and move to San Francisco to live with him.  Kristina was wary of abandoning her business, but he told her not to worry – he had plenty of money and was happy to provide for both of them until she found her footing.  It seemed like an ideal arrangement.  After a few months, Kristina, with some reservations but feeling adventurous and optimistic, gave in to Jeff’s blandishments and moved to San Francisco.

It took about two weeks of living together to make both Kristina and Jeff realize that this arrangement was not going to work.  They had never lived together in close quarters, and under the pressure of constant daily contact, the magic in their relationship faded.  Towards the end, Kristina felt as if she did not know Jeff very well at all.  Additionally, independent Kristina did not enjoy being unemployed, dependent and effectively at the mercy of someone else financially.  She moved back to Los Angeles, emotionally exhausted and a little disappointed in herself, but glad that she had extricated herself from a bad situation.  She only wished that she had not gotten in that situation in the first place.

These are two real examples of what can happen in a long-distance relationship, and perhaps two extremes of the spectrum.  All the same, you can recognize the indicators of potential success and failure of a given long-distance relationship from the way the players and stage are set.  Generally speaking, a high-risk scenario is fun in the short term and painful in the long term.  A low-risk scenario may be less fun in the short term but a better setup for long-term fulfillment.

August 30th, 2010 | Tags: long distance relationships don't work, long-distance relationships, perils of long-distance relationships, why long distance relationships suck | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women | Leave a comment

Letter:

Dear Alex,
It seems people write in to you often with their various romantic conundrums, so I thought I’d give it a go.

In short: a guy I dated back about 20 years ago in college got back in touch with me. He has been married since his early 20s – met the woman almost right after we had dated – and basically things are not completely happy in marital land, particularly when it comes to the physical relationship.

When he got in touch I was wondering, OK, the guy is married, what does he want… It turns out they have agreed to have an open relationship meaning both are free to pursue romantic liaisons with others. They do have two almost grown children and have been through their ups and downs. But it was clear he was committed to staying with her. I happen to be 40, single and seeking a committed, loving relationship and maybe the possibility of a family. So…

We did end up meeting once for coffee, and then decided to have a visit. It turned out to be very emotionally and physically intense. We got along very well and were extremely attracted to one another. Now, I am left wondering, why did I do this… In fact I have fallen a bit in love with the guy, given the fact he is just about all that I want in a partner – smart, intellectual, kind, sexy, warm, down to earth, worldly, sensual — except for the married part.

My feeling is that you probably would unequivocally steer good, kind, smart, sexy women away from this scenario. After all, what I want is the partnership, someone to give me their total attention and commitment. And here I am in love with a married guy who seems to be trying out seeing other people. A clue is the fact that he has expressed the fact this is probably “not healthy for either of us” to do on a regular basis. Which indicates to me either it was also emotionally intense for him (I know it was good in other ways), and he is not ready to jeopardize his marriage.

For myself, I am wondering why a guy would stay married to a woman who is clearly not meeting his needs. I mean, the fellow seemed starved for contact and a real erotic connection. So I am left feeling puzzled, a bit hurt, and a bit angry at myself for getting myself into this sticky wicket in the first place.
So I am curious to know what your take is on this.

With thanks,
Dubious Desiree

First of all, Desiree, just want to say how much I appreciate your writing a letter devoid of spelling and grammatical mistakes.  I’d fax you a piece of Godiva if the technology existed.

Second, I’d like to commend you on predicting my response.  Your guess that I would “unequivocally steer good, kind, smart, sexy women away from this scenario” is right on.

Imagine this: you’re on the market to buy a house.  In the meantime, you’ve stumbled upon a really nice place that you just love, love, love.  Except that the owner has made it very clear that it’s for rent only. But you think, “Hey, I really like this place.  Why don’t I just move in and see what happens.”

What happens is that you really do like this place.  And after a few months, you ask the owner if he’s willing to sell.  Nope, he says.  And you realize that you have to do the search all over again, and go through the pain of moving all over again.

Did you know that place was for rent only?  Yes you did.  Did you go ahead and do the imprudent thing and move in anyway, even though you were in the market to buy a place?  Yup.  Got anyone to blame but you?  Nope.

To end the extended metaphor, you’re looking to buy, Desiree (that’s when you said “what I want is the partnership, someone to give me their total attention and commitment”).  He’s looking to lease (aka fooling around).

This is simply not going to work out in your favor.

It’s cute that you’ve ‘fallen in love’, as you put it, but not very helpful.  And you’ve grown up to become a 40yr old woman — not a girl — so you have the capacity to resist self-destructive impulses like this.  Exercise that capacity.

Also, when you were in your twenties, you could afford to blow five years or ten on a mediocre relationship.  Without putting too fine a point on it, you no longer have that luxury of time.

So you need to start looking elsewhere.   Immediately.

Now this may not be what you want to hear, ’cause you’re having so much fun!  You feel so alive!  (Incidentally, that’s exactly the kind of thing a novice heroin or coke user would say.)

But this is what I want you to focus on: the amount of frustration, pain and puzzlement you’re feeling right now is nothing compared to what you’ll feel if you continue this dalliance another few months.  You need to bail immediately, for your own good and his.  Once he’s properly divorced, single and not a swinger, then you can talk again.  Maybe.

I think it’s great that you are clear on what truly fulfills you: “what I want is the partnership, someone to give me their total attention and commitment.” So go for it! Go talk to some of the other 3 billions dudes on the planet.  I bet there are a few hundred million of them who are more available than this fella and less toxic for you.  You’re in a vulnerable state, so the best way to make sure this doesn’t go any further is to start hanging out with other guys.

best
AB

August 12th, 2010 | Tags: bad relationships, dating married men, perils of dating married men, self-destructive behavior | Category: Dating for Women | Comments (9)

In yesterday’s post, we talked about Beth’s letter.  She was on the brink of separation, and wanted to know how to avoid emasculating behaviors around her husband.  We talked about mothering, jealousy, criticism, competition and correcting.

Today, we’re going to talk about how to reverse the process and start doing things that make him want to stick around forever (assuming forever is what you’re shooting for, which sounds like an awful long time if you ask me, but I digress).

It turns out that it’s actually pretty simple: you just reverse the aforementioned emasculating behaviors, turning them into masculating behaviors.  But just ’cause it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy, so roll those sleeves up, sister — there’s some work to do.

I call these gifts, because that’s what it feels we’re receiving when a woman does this kind of thing for us — yeah, it’s that awesome.  And when you give these gifts, a man feels as if you love him just as he is, not as the version you were hoping to mold him into.  And that is priceless and rare:

1) Give him his freedom. Freedom is a man’s most treasured possession.  The more of it you give him, the more he will respect you and, paradoxically, the more he will want to run back to you.  Even if you’re crazy about a guy, resist the temptation to spend every waking moment with him.  As one wise person said it, give him the gift of missing you.  He’ll just want to spend time with you that much more.

2) Give him your trust. The more you have faith in a man and allow him to take charge, the more he grows in the masculine.  And if you’re the one making him feel ten feet tall, he’ll just seek out your company that much more.

3) Give him your word. Heard of the expression “behind every great man is a great woman”? This is your chance to be that woman.  When you consistently do as you say you will, a man will have deeper and deeper trust in you.  This will make him feel as if he has a partner who really has his back.  As a result, he will be bolder, bigger and stronger in everything that he does and has you to thank for it.

4) Give him your praise. It may not seem so, but we guys are actually kind of fragile inside.  And a lot of scientists are convinced that everything we do is to impress women, from building large monuments to launching wars.  In fact, evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller makes a convincing case that we evolved such outsize brains mostly to enable skills that would impress mates.

So give the poor fellow some acknowledgment to make him feel as if all the paintings he painted, the buildings he built, the poetry he scribbled and wealth he accumulated have been worthwhile.  Praise him for the little things, for the attention he gives you, for his small victories.  You will allow him to grow into the kind of man who is capable of even bigger victories – and of creating more monuments to you.

5) Give him your grace. Every boy slips every once in a while or does something naughty.  We know you’re smart, so we know that you know when we slip.  As long as the slipping is not a regular occurrence (see the section on Bad Boys), this is your opportunity to open your heart and offer the man redemption.  A man will be eternally grateful for your giving him a second chance – and grow into a much bigger man as a result of your demonstration of faith.

August 12th, 2010 | Tags: how to avoid divorce, how to avoid separation, how to keep a man, how to keep a man from leaving, how to make a man delirious, how to make a man happy, how to make a man want to stay with you forever | Category: Dating for Women | Leave a comment

Got this interesting letter recently:

Dr. Alex,

I am in the midst of a separation initiated by my husband.  I don’t want a divorce.  He says the main reason we cannot live together is because of what he calls my “emasculating behaviors”.  He claims I may not even be aware of when I am doing “it”, but when I ask him to specifically explain what these behaviors are, he can’t.  So I came across you website and thought I’d ask you, what are typical emasculating behaviors so I might be able to explore and identify if I do them?  Thanks for your time,

Beth

Well, funny you should mention that, Beth.  Because I just so happen to have a whole section devoted to emasculating behaviors in The Tao of Dating for Women (straight out of Ch 11, Romance, or what to do on a date, pp 230-231).   Although my expertise is not in already-established relationships but rather in the process leading to one, it’s safe to assume that these principles hold no matter which phase of courtship you find yourself in.

First, I just want all of you to know that you’re not an awful person if you’re doing these things.  Chances are that you’re doing them unconsciously, meaning that you’re simply not aware of them, as Beth mentioned.  So no need to beat yourself up for having done stuff like that up to know.  Guilt, shame and blame are three of the biggest wastes of energy you can indulge in.

That said, now that I’m telling you what these behaviors are, you have one less excuse for keeping them in your repertoire.  If you want your man to stay with you, chances are you care for him.  And if you care for him, why would you want to make him miserable?  You don’t.  So quit doing these things.  And listen to him when he says you’re doing them, because he’s the only person qualified to tell you how he feels.

As a general rubric, the highest value of the divine masculine is More »

August 11th, 2010 | Tags: competition, criticism, emasculating behaviors, emasculation, how to drive a man away, how to prevent divorce, how to prevent separation, jealousy, mothering, why you shouldn't correct a man | Category: Dating for Women | Comments (1)

I was fortunate enough to come across this article by Arjuna Ardagh on the goddess on Huffington Post as I was checking up on my own article there.  This is now required reading for all my boys and girls.

Men: this is the highest expression of the unarticulated longing inside your heart for the divine feminine.  It’s also the solution to all of your dating woes.  If this is how you see women and convey it to them, you will have throngs of goddesses adoring you wherever you go.

Women: this is about you.  Realize that you are the goddess right here, right now.  Ease into it, live it, breathe it, and radiate it outward.  It’s also the solution to all of your dating woes.  If you show up as the goddess and gradually lead him into the inner sanctum of your divine feminine, he cannot resist. This is what the whole Tao of Dating program is about.

That said, here’s the beginning of the article.  Blog protocol requires that I put up an excerpt and direct you to the original source, so go to it:

“A few days ago, after a particularly exquisite evening with my wife Chameli, I put this post up on Facebook before going to bed:

“I have had many, many great teachers in my life. A super abundance. No one and nothing comes close to the woman who is now asleep in the bedroom. My marriage has become the guru, the salvation, the muse, the crack through which the divine shines through.”

When I woke up the next morning, More »

August 3rd, 2010 | Tags: Arjuna Ardagh, divine feminine, divnine masculine, how to be a goddess, worship a woman, worshipping the goddess | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women, Insight, spirit | Comments (6)

There have been a number a number of excellent books on happiness published in the past few years, and I have been consuming them avidly. Not only do I use their principles to help my students and hypnotherapy clients lead happier lives, but I also enjoy applying the principles to my own life. The books are also fun to read, with accounts of quirky psych experiments and fun, touching anecdotes.

One of the best of the happiness batch is The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want by UC Riverside Professor of Psychology Sonja Lyubomirsky. Amongst all the happiness texts I’ve read (and there have been about 8), this one I found to be the most practical in its ability to increase real happiness in your life.

This is because of Prof Lyubomirsky’s judicious use of questionnaires and the Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic, which figures out which activities end up creating the most happiness for you. The results for me were somewhat surprising and allowed me to focus more of my time and energy on the activities that, unbeknownst to myself, meant the most to me.

Prof Lyubomirsky, a Santa Monica neighbor and fellow Harvard grad, was kind enough to let me into her home for a very informative interview which you can watch below. I recommend everyone, young and old, to get a copy of The How of Happiness for yourself and someone you love. There is no greater gift than enabling “the experience of joy, contentment or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful and worthwhile.” So go forth and be a happiness enabler.

In Part 1, we talk about how the book can help you custom-design your own happiness program. We also discuss savoring, flow, and 2 of the 3 happiness myths.

In Part 2, we finish up the happiness myths, get into hedonic adaptation and the infamous story of Markus and Roland.

Get your copy of The How of Happiness on Amazon

July 29th, 2010 | Tags: Ali Binazir, contentedness, Dalai Lama, depression and happiness, happiness, happiness project, happiness research, hedonic adaptation, how of happiness, positive emotions, positive psychology, practicing gratitude, practicing happiness, psychology of happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky, stress and happiness | Category: Dating for Women | Leave a comment

Here’s a great letter from a reader about a budding romance at work — a very common situation:

I’m a huge fan of the Tao of Dating, (which I’ve read 2x now), and we’ve spoken a couple of times online. I’m writing to you because I’m in a situation that’s mostly great, though a little tricky to navigate; and I’d love to get your take on the matter.

I started at a new full-time job about 6 weeks ago. I’ve met a woman with whom I really get along. We chat online almost all day while at work. I get along with her two female office friends. We all often go to lunch together. She and I make plans during the day to take coffee breaks together. Today we had an office beach party, and she and I ended up spending a lot of the day together. We get along great and gravitate towards one another.

If we didn’t work together, it would almost be a no-brainer. Thing is, we do, and it’s a new job. We made tentative plans to see a movie together next week. I just don’t want to rush anything or force anything. I’m trying not to invest too much into just her, but I find myself thinking about her often. I’m not afraid of being bold…I just feel like timing might be everything in this situation…(?) Any words of wisdom? It would be most appreciated.

I continue to love your work, and I sincerely hope all is well with you.

All the best,
Gabe

My good man Gabe.  Nice to hear from you.  Appreciate the praise.  No need to stop, really — keep it coming :)

Awright, so this romance at work thing may seem like a sticky situation.  You meet someone you like, and you seem to get along.  But then, More »

July 26th, 2010 | Tags: dating a co-worker, dating at work, dating in the workplace, good places to meet men, good places to meet people, good places to meet women, love at work, romance at work, Tao of Dating for Men, tao of dating for women, three Cs of optimal venues | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women | Leave a comment

The other day I heard a friend say, “Y’know, so-and-so is really judgmental, don’t you think?”  I couldn’t help but smile a little bit, since she was completely oblivious to the fact that, at that moment, she was engaging in the very same behavior she found reprehensible in another person — namely, being judgmental.

You can think of this as a blind spot — people being oblivious to their own faults while gleefully pointing out those of others.  I prefer to think of it as a homing device and highly accurate insight into the self.

Why?  Because the trait we find least attractive in others tends to be a trait that we exhibit and secretly, unconsciously, don’t like about ourselves.  This I’ve found to be true with remarkable consistency — pretty much always.  As Jung is purported to have said, all perception is projection.  And Anaïs Nin: “We don’t see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.”

The criticism is most pronounced when someone is a slightly worse version of yourself in some department.  You’ll really dig into someone who’s slightly lazier than you, or slightly later than you, because you hate that laziness and lateness in yourself with a blazing passion.

So next time, whether in the context of friendship or love, you find yourself criticizing someone, take that as an opportunity to assess who you are and what you don’t like about yourself.  As the Persian expression goes, kolahe khodeto ghazi kon — literally, make your own hat the judge.  Or as we say in English, take a look in the mirror.

July 23rd, 2010 | Category: Insight | Leave a comment

Here’s a letter from a reader:

“You said we can change people’s behaviors by holding higher images of them.
I am living with someone who considers us broken up and that he is my ex.  He has fallen in love with someone who lives in Geneva.  I am living with him because at the moment I do not have the money to move.
I love him, and we still have sex.
I want him back in love with me.

Suggestions?  Thank you!”
– Mindy

This is an excellent letter because it opens up so many cans of worms at once. Fine situation to be in for an afternoon of fishing.  Otherwise, the news is less auspicious.

First, allow me to clarify: yes, you can change people’s behaviors by holding them to higher images of themselves.  It may be the only way you can do that.  However, this only works in a consensual setting of an ongoing relationship of trust and mutual respect.

For example, if you walk up to some poorly-dressed person on the street and just start dispensing fashion advice, it’s not likely to go very far.  Whereas the same advice to a friend, child or relative may have an effect.

The second zinger in this letter is the “I love him and we still have sex” part.  All while the boy says he’s in love with someone else and considers the two of them broken up.

This is what I call Big Mac sex.  Big Macs taste pretty good but More »

July 6th, 2010 | Tags: Big Mac sex, getting back an ex, scarcity consciousness, wealth-consciousness | Category: Dating for Women | Comments (6)